CSIS: “C-51 will help us defeat the enemies we plan to invent”
Wednesday, 10 June 2015 17:23 Written by Jacob Duarte Spiel
Photo: Flickr / Taken by Sally T. Buck CC by 2.0 via http://bit.ly/1KqhPQJ
OTTAWA – With Bill C-51 now passed into law, the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) has stated it will use its new powers to defeat civilian groups, charities, and political organizations that they’ve decided are illegal.
“C-51 is an important bill but, currently, there isn’t enough of a terrorist threat in Canada to justify it,” explained PM Stephen Harper. “Therefore, to get the most bang for our buck, CSIS will be reclassifying certain, already undesirable organizations as terrorist sympathizers.”
With the PM’s blessing, CSIS is already hard at work monitoring and dismantling Canada’s newest terrorist organizations, including the Junior Environmentalists, people who have solar panels on their roofs, and the CSIS oversight committee.
“Ideally, we’ll apply so much extra-legal pressure to peaceful Islamic organizations that we’ll create a violent splinter group,” explained CSIS head Michel Coulombe. “Then we can really start detaining the bastards.”
C-51 also allows CSIS the right to share the information they create with many other government institutions. Coulombe says he hopes the mass dispersal of hearsay and innuendo will help improve the safety of “real” Canadians.
“If you’re a real hockey-loving, petroleum-drinking, Conservative-voting, white-skin-having Canadian then you’ve got nothing to worry about,” said Coulombe. “If you aren’t, you should consider leaving now.”
CSIS agents have generally praised C-51, with many pointing out how much easier it made their jobs.
“Before C-51, our purview had been limited largely to the guilty,” said CSIS operative Dale Mackenzie. “But now that we get to arbitrarily detain citizens there’s no telling what we can accomplish!”
However, critics have alleged that the sweeping changes proposed by C-51 are a massive overreaction to minor attacks perpetrated by unstable individuals rather than orchestrated assaults by terror organizations.
“It’s true that more people have been killed by brown bears in just the last year than Islamic terrorists have ever killed on Canadian soil,” explained Michel Coulombe. “But with C-51 now passed into law we can begin holding any and all bears in black sites until we can determine their ties to ISIS.”
At press time, the mandatory long-form census was still banned because Harper cares about Canadians’ right to privacy.